October

Lots of things go through my mind this time of year. I reflect on my choices, my habits and my priorities. Around the start of September I hit a mental slump that's hard to pull myself out of. Summer is ending and I start reviewing the list of things I wanted to get done during the summer. Then I start reviewing the list of things I did do.

This year I fell short of a lot, but I also managed to do a lot. During my review this year I noticed that I was drinking too much, I knew this for a while. Beer went from something to enhance my experiences to a requisite for my experiences. I talked to a friend and we decided to chill on drinking for a while. I noticed many things during my sober month of September. I found I didn't get enjoyment from everyday things, small things, things I loved. Everything felt flat. I started CrossFit again, I picked up playing Valheim with friends and I started grocery shopping instead of eating out. Eventually, I started feeling rewards for doing these things, but not until after I started doing them for a few weeks. My desire to drink dissipated, I was ecstatic.

What I wasn't prepared for was my mind's response when I hit a hurdle. I thought I could cope with it, I didn't think I'd need alcohol to numb my response. I was wrong. I ruminated and obsessed over things that I really had no reason to. A minor social interaction turns into a multi-hour retrospective.

I chose to drink again, responsibly, during a golf outing October 4th. It was fine, I found I didn't like drinking, I didn't want to, I didn't need it. Then as the days went by, I figured why not have a beer or two or three or seven after work. And within two weeks, I was right back to where I started.

This project is my response to that pattern. I'm going to ramble and spam nonsense here until I figure out what I want to do.